Why I Am Considering Hormone Blockers For My Nine Year Old Unknown Tuesday, February 17, 2015

That was a fun title to write.

I wanted to add the word "autistic" in front of "nine year old", just for shock value, but that just makes me freak out even more.

Up to this point, I feel like I have been writing a lot about our journey with accepting our transgender middle child, Alex (age 6), and beginning to understand our genderfluid eldest child, Leah (now age 9). Most of this writing has chronicled events that have already happened.

Today, I am switching gears a bit, writing about an issue that we are dealing with presently. This is happening now, in real time. And honestly, I haven't given the whole thing enough thought, or research, which is not typical for me. I feel underprepared, uninformed, and this is not a reassuring place for a perfectionist that likes to be prepared and in control.

(You think I would have given up these ideas of perfectionism and any semblance of control by now, given my children. Apparently, I am a slow learner.)

This conversation, about hormone blockers for my autistic child, Leah, began several months ago. Well, actually, it began in June of last year. 

No. Thinking back, it began in March of 2013. Only this was originally a conversation about Alex, not Leah.

Flashback: March 2013
I am sitting in the pediatric gender specialist's office, several hours away from our home, at a hospital clinic for transgender youth. I am with my husband and our four year old boy, Alex. We are in the waiting room, nervously awaiting our turn to go back to the exam room, not really knowing what to expect. 

Alex is wearing light-up Star Wars sneakers (hand-me-downs from an older cousin), a sparkly skirt from his older sister, and a superhero t-shirt. He keeps dancing around the waiting room, enjoying watching the lights from his shoes dance along with him. His white blonde hair is beginning to grow out, and it hangs in his eyes. He wants to grow his hair long, like the Disney princesses that he so loves to watch on TV. He wants to be a princess. Alex wants to be a girl.

There is another family in the waiting room. They have a teenager- a tall, gangly adolescent with a boy body, dressed in a skirt and heels. I keep trying to sneak glances at the family, wondering what their story is, what the parents are like, and trying to imagine if my son will look like their child some day. I try not to stare, but we wait for a long time in this waiting room. The other family gets called back before we do- we have arrived too early.

Alex's name is eventually called by a nurse, and we make our way back to the exam room. My husband and I finally get to meet this wonderful doctor, who I will call Dr. Taylor, this amazing woman who has helped so many gender nonconforming, gender variant, and transgender children. An hour goes by, and we discuss all of Alex's history of female gender expression and eventual female identity. We move into the second hour of our appointment, and we discuss our options of how to handle Alex's gender nonconformity. And eventually, we find ourselves discussing a potential future timeline for Alex, if he (soon to be known as she) persists in identifying as transgender as he approaches puberty. And it is here, at this point in the visit, that we first learn about hormone blockers...and about blood work, endocrine science, and cross hormones. We realize we are learning a whole new language- transgender, cisgender, "T", blockers, stealth, preferred pronouns, social transition, and the list goes on. We have so much to learn.

Genderfluid, Gender Pancake, Genderwild Unknown Friday, November 14, 2014

A few months ago, I took all three kids to the eyeglasses store to pick up Leah's new pair of frames. I had actually lost her last pair of glasses several weeks earlier, and we had to order a replacement pair. Her new glasses had finally arrived.

The man who owns the optical store is very sweet. I'll call him "John".

I really dislike taking my whole tribe of kids to most stores (for a variety of behavior management reasons, most of them having to do with Leah), but I actually don't mind visiting John's store. He doesn't mind if the kids spin in the chairs, or try on hundreds of pairs of frames. He calls each of them "sweetie", and has a big bowl of candy bars for all of the kids that come in. "You can take two candies, if your mom says it's ok," he says with a wink to the kids, holding out the bowl of candy.

How could I possibly say no?

Anyway. Leah has been gender flip-flopping like crazy lately, back and forth between male and female. She calls herself a gender pancake- "Because I flip back and forth so much!"- which I think is hilariously accurate, and completely exhausting. On my not-so-good days, it can be really frustrating- "Can't you just pick one, boy or girl??" I've asked her more than once (not my finest parenting moments, admittedly). 

Leah keeps making these big, existential statements: "Mom, I've been a boy my whole life- I was just trying to fit in and be female to make my [extended] family happy." Or, "Mom, actually I'm female- I was just trying to help Alex feel better by being transgender, too."

Meet Benjamin, the Boy Unknown Friday, November 14, 2014

It has been interesting to watch my eldest child's experiment with genderfluidity, and how people react to it, which is noticeably different to the reaction that my middle child received initially. One reason, I think, is because Leah is a female that has a preference for being male- somehow, it is more accepted for a girl to be a tomboy than for a little boy to like girl things.

I also think, even more importantly, that Leah/Ben is getting what I have been calling a get-out-of-jail-free card on the genderwild issues because of her autism. 

If you know Leah at all, you know that she is never merely Leah- she is generally a creature (a dinosaur, dog, dragon, bird of prey, etc.), and if she is feeling at all human, she prefers to pretend to be a baby or a preschooler. These creative phases have gone for as long as I remember- she has always pretended to be someone other than simply Leah.

When "Benjamin, the boy" showed up in our household, we naturally rolled with it, and assumed it would pass- much like "Wilson the donkey" from kindergarten (in which she entered school on all fours, every morning, braying like a donkey!) and her very long dog phase this past winter (where she constantly begged to be walked on-leash in public). This too shall pass, we thought. Right?

Anyway. My child experienced something awhile back that I want to write about, as it relates to her currently wanting to be known as "Ben". Benjamin (Leah) is very insistent on being referred to with male pronouns, and with the Aspergers, is really quite rude/bossy at times about reminding people. This is improving with continual reminders and practice. 

However, there is no really no gender "stealth" (yet) with her autism- the two concepts are quite oppositional. 

So Ben and I have been having long conversations about what it means to be genderwild or transgender or genderfluid. I admit- during these conversations, I have been silently panicking, Are we really here again with another child? Is this a phase?? 

genderwild Unknown Thursday, November 13, 2014

And so it begins.

I can't believe it. 

I am officially a mommy blogger.

Never in a million years could I ever have imagined writing something that other people could read. NEVER. Perfectionism and blogging are not compatible concepts- what if people criticize my writing? What do I have to say that really matters? Most days, I can barely find a moment to shower- how will writing fit into our crazy day-to-day schedule?

To be perfectly honest, this is my third (or maybe fourth?) draft. I completely scrapped the first several attempts at a post. And, I'm silently having a tiny panic attack even thinking about clicking "publish" on the top right-hand corner of my screen. Curse you, perfectionism.

Nevertheless- I started writing our story several months ago, and writing, and writing some more, and it appears that more writing needs to be born. Maybe it's a form of therapy, or perhaps I can somehow share my experience, strength, and hope- but all I know is that it is good for me to write.

So what on earth will I write about? 

Good question. Well, here are some facts about our family, things that might show up from time to time on these pages:

1. I have three children. Some days, I have three girls. These days, I usually have one boy and two girls (see #3 for explanation). My kids' ages are 8, 6, and 4 years old.

2. My oldest child, Leah, was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at age 4. She is brilliant, highly creative, and there are days when I have absolutely no idea how to get inside of her magical mind. She continually proves to be one of my greatest life teachers.

3. My oldest child also happens to be genderfluid, which means she fluctuates between identifying as male or female. Genderfluidity + autism = well, let's just say, I've researched to see if it is even statistically possible. It is. I will refer to her in this blog as "Leah", "Benjamin", or sometimes "LeahBen". This can get very confusing. The pronouns can get very, very messy- is it he, she, s(he), or zhe?? Honestly, it depends on the day.