A few months ago, I took all three kids to the eyeglasses store to pick up Leah's new pair of frames. I had actually lost her last pair of glasses several weeks earlier, and we had to order a replacement pair. Her new glasses had finally arrived.

 The man who owns the optical store is very sweet. I'll call him "John".

 I really dislike taking my whole tribe of kids to most stores (for a variety of behavior management reasons, most of them having to do with Leah), but I actually don't mind visiting John's store. He doesn't mind if the kids spin in the chairs, or try on hundreds of pairs of frames. He calls each of them "sweetie", and has a big bowl of candy bars for all of the kids that come in. "You can take two candies, if your mom says it's ok," he says with a wink to the kids, holding out the bowl of candy.

 How could I possibly say no?

 Anyway. Leah has been gender flip-flopping like crazy lately, back and forth between male and female. She calls herself a gender pancake- "Because I flip back and forth so much!"- which I think is hilariously accurate, and completely exhausting. On my not-so-good days, it can be really frustrating- "Can't you just pick one, boy or girl??" I've asked her more than once (not my finest parenting moments, admittedly). 

 Leah keeps making these big, existential statements: "Mom, I've been a boy my whole life- I was just trying to fit in and be female to make my [extended] family happy." Or, "Mom, actually I'm female- I was just trying to help Alex feel better by being transgender, too."

I have several theories on the genderfluidity with Leah:
(It should be noted that this just started in May, only six months ago.)

 1. She really is genderfluid. The simple explanation. (Well, the simpler explanation- not necessarily "simple" to explain to the grandparents, or at church, playdates, etc.)

 2. She is trying to understand her transgender sister, so she is exploring empathy by trying on a character that is transgender (at times).

 
3. She is socially delayed (with the autism), so she is just now beginning to understand the concept of gender, and is exploring it for herself. I would say that Leah is probably at the social equivalent of a 3-5 year old (at almost 9 years old), which is when most kids start really solidifying their own ideas on gender. 

 For some reason, I am having a harder time wrapping my mind around Leah's genderfluidity, especially combined with the autism. When we were trying to understand Alex's gender identity (Leah's younger sister, now age 6), it was a long process- but we have now fully accepted Alex as female. And in some ways, for me personally, absorbing Alex as transgender was somehow easier than understanding Leah's genderfluidity, since Alex was female from the minute she could understand/express gender. Alex was always a girl in her mind- it was we as her parents that took much longer to understand who she really was.

 The genderfluidity is new with Leah, so I haven't fully processed it, or really, accepted it, if I'm truly honest with myself. And, truthfully, I think part of me is wondering, Are we really here again? I mean, really- is it even possible to have two transkids in one family? And is she transgender, or just genderfluid? Or neither, but instead just trying on different characters (like she does frequently with animals)?

 So, with that background in mind, we go back to the story of John and the new glasses. We are in the store, and John has everything written down as belonging to Leah. "Hello sweetie," he says to Leah, who happens to be Ben at that moment. John is addressing Ben as a female, using female endearments, etc.

 John then turns to me, watching my busy little tribe of kids buzz around the store, and says, "Wow, are all of these kids yours? You have your hands full!"

 You have no idea, I think to myself.

 And then he says this gem: "Have you ever thought of trying for a boy?"

 
I honestly don't know what to say at this point. I've had this said to me many times before, most recently with people that know us and know Alex's transgender journey, and my joking response is usually: "Well, we tried that, and it didn't really work out." 

 
But John doesn't know that Alex, who is in the store as well, is transgender (male to female). And John also doesn't know that Leah is what I call genderwild (since she wildly fluctuates with frequency, plus she has always been my wild child!), and that Leah happens to be Benjamin the boy that day.

 
These thoughts are all whizzing through my brain as I look at John, and I glance at Leah/Ben, who glares at me, as if to say, "Well, I am a boy, so what exactly does that mean??"

 I am not about to explain any of this to John. Can you imagine? Poor, innocent man.

 So I say to John, after an awkward pause: "No, we are done. No more kids. We have exactly enough, and as you said, our hands are full."

 All the while, I am still thinking, You have no idea how full these hands really are...

 
I should also probably mention- when we were first trying on the frames with John, a week earlier, Leah was Leah, the girl. She picked out a cute pair of purple frames, with hearts. I remember asking her, "Leah, what happens on the days when you are Ben? Are you going to be okay with purple glasses that have hearts on them? Because I am buying one pair of glasses, so maybe you should pick a pair that both Ben and Leah would like."

 
I am happy to say- Ben walked out of that eyeglasses store with two candy bars in his hands, wearing purple glasses with hearts, and a smile on his face.

 
I don't know how this is all going to turn out with Leah, or Ben- but who knows? Maybe we won't need to "try for a boy" after all. 

 But the next time we visit John at the eyeglasses store, I think I will probably need at least two candy bars just for me.