It has been interesting to watch my eldest child's experiment with genderfluidity, and how people react to it, which is noticeably different to the reaction that my middle child received initially. One reason, I think, is because Leah is a female that has a preference for being male- somehow, it is more accepted for a girl to be a tomboy than for a little boy to like girl things.
I also think, even more importantly, that Leah/Ben is getting what I have been calling a get-out-of-jail-free card on the genderwild issues because of her autism.
If you know Leah at all, you know that she is never merely Leah- she is generally a creature (a dinosaur, dog, dragon, bird of prey, etc.), and if she is feeling at all human, she prefers to pretend to be a baby or a preschooler. These creative phases have gone for as long as I remember- she has always pretended to be someone other than simply Leah.
When "Benjamin, the boy" showed up in our household, we naturally rolled with it, and assumed it would pass- much like "Wilson the donkey" from kindergarten (in which she entered school on all fours, every morning, braying like a donkey!) and her very long dog phase this past winter (where she constantly begged to be walked on-leash in public). This too shall pass, we thought. Right?
Anyway. My child experienced something awhile back that I want to write about, as it relates to her currently wanting to be known as "Ben". Benjamin (Leah) is very insistent on being referred to with male pronouns, and with the Aspergers, is really quite rude/bossy at times about reminding people. This is improving with continual reminders and practice.
However, there is no really no gender "stealth" (yet) with her autism- the two concepts are quite oppositional.
So Ben and I have been having long conversations about what it means to be genderwild or transgender or genderfluid. I admit- during these conversations, I have been silently panicking, Are we really here again with another child? Is this a phase??
I also think, even more importantly, that Leah/Ben is getting what I have been calling a get-out-of-jail-free card on the genderwild issues because of her autism.
If you know Leah at all, you know that she is never merely Leah- she is generally a creature (a dinosaur, dog, dragon, bird of prey, etc.), and if she is feeling at all human, she prefers to pretend to be a baby or a preschooler. These creative phases have gone for as long as I remember- she has always pretended to be someone other than simply Leah.
When "Benjamin, the boy" showed up in our household, we naturally rolled with it, and assumed it would pass- much like "Wilson the donkey" from kindergarten (in which she entered school on all fours, every morning, braying like a donkey!) and her very long dog phase this past winter (where she constantly begged to be walked on-leash in public). This too shall pass, we thought. Right?
Anyway. My child experienced something awhile back that I want to write about, as it relates to her currently wanting to be known as "Ben". Benjamin (Leah) is very insistent on being referred to with male pronouns, and with the Aspergers, is really quite rude/bossy at times about reminding people. This is improving with continual reminders and practice.
However, there is no really no gender "stealth" (yet) with her autism- the two concepts are quite oppositional.
So Ben and I have been having long conversations about what it means to be genderwild or transgender or genderfluid. I admit- during these conversations, I have been silently panicking, Are we really here again with another child? Is this a phase??
Recently, on the drive
home from school, Ben revealed to me, "Mom, [insert caregiver name]
shouted at me this weekend for no reason. You told me that it was okay to
correct people if they forgot to call me Benjamin. So I corrected [caregiver
name] very calmly, and then she shouted at me, 'You're a girl! You were born a
certain thing, so stick with it!' I remembered what you told me about just
thinking bad thoughts and not saying them, so I went underwater in the pool and
cried and screamed all of the bad thoughts that I was thinking, because I
didn't want to hurt her feelings."
Ben, or Leah, was sobbing in the seat next to me as s(he) told me this story. Wow. First of all- can we all applaud that my autistic child thought of someone else's feelings, and that s(he) didn't just haul off and punch this woman? Amazing. A-MA-ZING. And that s(he) actually internalized a social strategy, and figured out what to do with her/his negative thoughts? Also, serious progress.
BUT. Really??! So much for the autism get-out-of-jail-free card. This caregiver, whom I trusted, shouted at my autistic child, and she seriously shamed her/him. Maybe Leah is transgender, maybe she is genderfluid, or maybe she's coping with the world and escaping through pretending yet again, but either way- I was furious.
I also feel like this says a lot about what this caregiver honestly thinks about my middle child, Alex (who is transgender), as well. "You were born a certain thing, so stick with it!" If only it were that simple.
All that is to say. I am so very proud of my oldest child for her/his bravery, and even for her/his kindness and thoughtfulness in a really awful situation. I am so grateful to my younger daughter, Alex, for teaching me what it means to be transgender, and for never backing down from being her authentic self.
And, in spite of everything, I am grateful that we as a family have been given the opportunity to talk about these really big issues. It's not what I expected when I dreamed of becoming a mother, that's for sure. It is truly so much deeper, richer, at times profoundly terrifying, and a much wilder ride than I ever could have imagined.
Finally, thanks to the story that my oldest child shared with me that day on the way home from school, I had the opportunity to say to her, or him: "Ben, I want you to be whoever you need to be, be that a boy or a girl. And I want you to know that I love you no matter what. Be who you are, and be happy."
Ben, or Leah, was sobbing in the seat next to me as s(he) told me this story. Wow. First of all- can we all applaud that my autistic child thought of someone else's feelings, and that s(he) didn't just haul off and punch this woman? Amazing. A-MA-ZING. And that s(he) actually internalized a social strategy, and figured out what to do with her/his negative thoughts? Also, serious progress.
BUT. Really??! So much for the autism get-out-of-jail-free card. This caregiver, whom I trusted, shouted at my autistic child, and she seriously shamed her/him. Maybe Leah is transgender, maybe she is genderfluid, or maybe she's coping with the world and escaping through pretending yet again, but either way- I was furious.
I also feel like this says a lot about what this caregiver honestly thinks about my middle child, Alex (who is transgender), as well. "You were born a certain thing, so stick with it!" If only it were that simple.
All that is to say. I am so very proud of my oldest child for her/his bravery, and even for her/his kindness and thoughtfulness in a really awful situation. I am so grateful to my younger daughter, Alex, for teaching me what it means to be transgender, and for never backing down from being her authentic self.
And, in spite of everything, I am grateful that we as a family have been given the opportunity to talk about these really big issues. It's not what I expected when I dreamed of becoming a mother, that's for sure. It is truly so much deeper, richer, at times profoundly terrifying, and a much wilder ride than I ever could have imagined.
Finally, thanks to the story that my oldest child shared with me that day on the way home from school, I had the opportunity to say to her, or him: "Ben, I want you to be whoever you need to be, be that a boy or a girl. And I want you to know that I love you no matter what. Be who you are, and be happy."
Post a Comment