And so it begins.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I am officially a mommy blogger.
Never in a million years could I ever have imagined writing something that other people could read. NEVER. Perfectionism and blogging are not compatible concepts- what if people criticize my writing? What do I have to say that really matters? Most days, I can barely find a moment to shower- how will writing fit into our crazy day-to-day schedule?
Never in a million years could I ever have imagined writing something that other people could read. NEVER. Perfectionism and blogging are not compatible concepts- what if people criticize my writing? What do I have to say that really matters? Most days, I can barely find a moment to shower- how will writing fit into our crazy day-to-day schedule?
To be perfectly honest, this is my third (or maybe fourth?) draft.
I completely scrapped the first several attempts at a post. And, I'm silently having a
tiny panic attack even thinking about clicking
"publish" on the top right-hand corner of my screen. Curse you,
perfectionism.
Nevertheless- I started writing our story several months ago, and writing, and writing some more, and it appears that more writing needs to be born. Maybe it's a form of therapy, or perhaps I can somehow share my experience, strength, and hope- but all I know is that it is good for me to write.
So what on earth will I write about?
Nevertheless- I started writing our story several months ago, and writing, and writing some more, and it appears that more writing needs to be born. Maybe it's a form of therapy, or perhaps I can somehow share my experience, strength, and hope- but all I know is that it is good for me to write.
So what on earth will I write about?
Good question. Well, here are some facts about our family, things that might show up from time to time on these pages:
1. I have three children. Some days, I have three girls. These days, I usually have one boy and two girls (see #3 for explanation). My kids' ages are 8, 6, and 4 years old.
2. My oldest child, Leah, was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at age 4. She is brilliant, highly creative, and there are days when I have absolutely no idea how to get inside of her magical mind. She continually proves to be one of my greatest life teachers.
3. My oldest child also happens to be genderfluid, which means she fluctuates between identifying as male or female. Genderfluidity + autism = well, let's just say, I've researched to see if it is even statistically possible. It is. I will refer to her in this blog as "Leah", "Benjamin", or sometimes "LeahBen". This can get very confusing. The pronouns can get very, very messy- is it he, she, s(he), or zhe?? Honestly, it depends on the day.
1. I have three children. Some days, I have three girls. These days, I usually have one boy and two girls (see #3 for explanation). My kids' ages are 8, 6, and 4 years old.
2. My oldest child, Leah, was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at age 4. She is brilliant, highly creative, and there are days when I have absolutely no idea how to get inside of her magical mind. She continually proves to be one of my greatest life teachers.
3. My oldest child also happens to be genderfluid, which means she fluctuates between identifying as male or female. Genderfluidity + autism = well, let's just say, I've researched to see if it is even statistically possible. It is. I will refer to her in this blog as "Leah", "Benjamin", or sometimes "LeahBen". This can get very confusing. The pronouns can get very, very messy- is it he, she, s(he), or zhe?? Honestly, it depends on the day.
4. My middle child, who I will call "Alex", was born an assigned male, and now identifies as female. She is transgender. Alex
socially transitioned from male to female in April of 2013. She is now 6
1/2, and attends a local public school. She is one of the bravest
children that I have ever had the privilege of knowing.
5. My youngest daughter, "Jasmine", was a surprise pregnancy. She is cisgender (identifies with the sex that she was assigned at birth= female), neurotypical (neurologically typical= no autism), and has the cutest dimples ever. I call her "sunshine and light"- she was born to keep us all laughing.
6. I have an amazing, loving, supportive husband. He is the best daddy to our three kids, and he puts up with a lot of drama around here. We met in college, and have been married for 12 years. I haven't decided on his pseudonym yet, but I'm leaning towards "Guapo".
What is the story behind the blog title?
5. My youngest daughter, "Jasmine", was a surprise pregnancy. She is cisgender (identifies with the sex that she was assigned at birth= female), neurotypical (neurologically typical= no autism), and has the cutest dimples ever. I call her "sunshine and light"- she was born to keep us all laughing.
6. I have an amazing, loving, supportive husband. He is the best daddy to our three kids, and he puts up with a lot of drama around here. We met in college, and have been married for 12 years. I haven't decided on his pseudonym yet, but I'm leaning towards "Guapo".
What is the story behind the blog title?
It was our middle daughter, Alex, that first
introduced us to the idea of a child whose gender identity did not match their assigned sex. Alex, who was assigned a male
gender at birth, always loved all things girl. Alex, my little boy, was
convinced that he was really a she, from the time that he could talk. Even
before Alex could verbally express that he felt more like a girl, we noticed
that Alex only wanted to wear girls' dresses, play with dolls and makeup and
jewelry, and was far more drawn to what might be called "girl" toys,
books, characters, etc.
Eventually, we were given the word transgender by different teachers, doctors, and therapists to describe Alex. Alex did not fit into the typical gender binary- she has always bravely claimed her own gender identity and expression, even when we as her parents were not ready to see Alex for who she really was.
But it was Leah, my oldest, that really solidified this idea of genderwild in our family vocabulary. Leah has high functioning autism, and she has always been my wild child. I remember a former friend telling me that I should just "break her like a wild horse". Impossible- I tried, for many years. Leah is a free spirit, an artist and a thinker, my beautiful wild horse. When Leah started expressing that she felt like a boy, a lot of the time, we were already familiar with the idea of gender variance, gender nonconformity, and genderfluidity, thanks to the reading and research we had done because of Leah's younger transgender sister.
But Leah, sometimes Ben, was still hard to explain to the outside world. Her gender fluctuated wildly. It was hard to know how to describe this to our friends and family. It was hard to know how to parent this child! We went back to the teachers, doctors and therapists, the same professionals that had helped us with our transgender child. "Just roll with it," they told us. So we did. Most days.
All the while asking ourselves, Are we really doing this again, with another child??
And how should we explain her shifting gender to the outside world? I didn't really want to get into a political, clinical, or theological discussion with strangers, acquaintances, or people at church. Most people already knew that she was a "different" child because of her autism, my wild child, and so it seemed fitting to say to these people - "Leah feels like she is a boy today. You know my Leah, always my wild child. We are calling her genderwild, since she flips back and forth so much between girl and boy."
And, as time went on, it seemed a fitting term to describe both of our children as genderwild children. The idea of having two gender variant children in our family just seemed crazy- was it even statistically possible?? Apparently, it is, although there isn't much written about families like ours, with multiple gender variant children. All I can say for certain- it is a wild, messy, beautiful, and unique parenting experience.
Today, I can thankfully say that we have a growing support network of transgender, gender variant, gender nonconforming, and genderfluid children and their families in our lives. We love all of these brave, out of the box, genderwild children.
And, we thought, maybe our story could help other families on similar genderwild parenting journeys.
And so, this writing was born.
Why are pseudonyms necessary?
Eventually, we were given the word transgender by different teachers, doctors, and therapists to describe Alex. Alex did not fit into the typical gender binary- she has always bravely claimed her own gender identity and expression, even when we as her parents were not ready to see Alex for who she really was.
But it was Leah, my oldest, that really solidified this idea of genderwild in our family vocabulary. Leah has high functioning autism, and she has always been my wild child. I remember a former friend telling me that I should just "break her like a wild horse". Impossible- I tried, for many years. Leah is a free spirit, an artist and a thinker, my beautiful wild horse. When Leah started expressing that she felt like a boy, a lot of the time, we were already familiar with the idea of gender variance, gender nonconformity, and genderfluidity, thanks to the reading and research we had done because of Leah's younger transgender sister.
But Leah, sometimes Ben, was still hard to explain to the outside world. Her gender fluctuated wildly. It was hard to know how to describe this to our friends and family. It was hard to know how to parent this child! We went back to the teachers, doctors and therapists, the same professionals that had helped us with our transgender child. "Just roll with it," they told us. So we did. Most days.
All the while asking ourselves, Are we really doing this again, with another child??
And how should we explain her shifting gender to the outside world? I didn't really want to get into a political, clinical, or theological discussion with strangers, acquaintances, or people at church. Most people already knew that she was a "different" child because of her autism, my wild child, and so it seemed fitting to say to these people - "Leah feels like she is a boy today. You know my Leah, always my wild child. We are calling her genderwild, since she flips back and forth so much between girl and boy."
And, as time went on, it seemed a fitting term to describe both of our children as genderwild children. The idea of having two gender variant children in our family just seemed crazy- was it even statistically possible?? Apparently, it is, although there isn't much written about families like ours, with multiple gender variant children. All I can say for certain- it is a wild, messy, beautiful, and unique parenting experience.
Today, I can thankfully say that we have a growing support network of transgender, gender variant, gender nonconforming, and genderfluid children and their families in our lives. We love all of these brave, out of the box, genderwild children.
And, we thought, maybe our story could help other families on similar genderwild parenting journeys.
And so, this writing was born.
Why are pseudonyms necessary?
Alex, my middle daughter, is not "out"
at her school (or in much of the community, for that matter) as transgender.
Because we live in a small town, we thought it best to preserve her anonymity,
until that day when she decides that she no longer wants to be what is known as "stealth"
in school. Unfortunately, we have already dealt with discrimination and
intolerance from several parents (at a previous school), and even from our own
families. We have learned to be very careful about sharing confidential
information where our middle child is concerned.
It saddens me that I cannot be completely honest about our names because of fear, but that is the reality for many transgender people and their families. And so, I write anonymously. For now.
Thank you for reading!
It saddens me that I cannot be completely honest about our names because of fear, but that is the reality for many transgender people and their families. And so, I write anonymously. For now.
Thank you for reading!
I
look forward to sharing our parenting
adventures, and what we have learned and continue to learn about
transgender children, genderfluidity and gender nonconformity, advocacy
in the community, autism, grief and acceptance, and authenticity. It has
been and continues to be quite a
journey, full of lots of laughter and oftentimes tears. Real life.
My prayer for all of us- strength and peace for the journey. One day at a time.
Thank you for reading. Welcome to genderwild!
My prayer for all of us- strength and peace for the journey. One day at a time.
Thank you for reading. Welcome to genderwild!
Thank you for sharing your story with us!
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading!
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