I wrote this piece in December of 2013, about eight months after Alex's social transition from male to female.
Yesterday, Alex got her ears pierced- a true rite of passage for our girl.
Alex has been asking to pierce her ears for months. Ever since Alex started wearing girl clothes to preschool, at age four, Alex has been drawn to clip-on earrings. One morning (prior to Alex's transition from male to female), he begged to wear the old, thrift-store, painful clip-on earrings to school, telling me, "See Mama- if I wear these earrings, then they will know that I really am a girl."
I'm not quite sure who "they" was referring to- his friends? His teachers? Extended family? Society? All I know is that I eventually consented, and my shy little boy (soon to be girl) was excited that day to share his true self with his preschool peers.
I remember feeling really, really nervous- would he be made fun of by the other children in his class? What would the teachers and parents say? Oh, the anxiety.
Fast-forward a year. Alex has socially transitioned from male to female, and we have checked the "girl" gender box on all of her school paperwork. Alex is known as female now to everyone, and she is a happy little kindergarten girl. It is now getting close to Christmas, and Alex is making her Christmas wishlist for Santa. She writes on her list that she would like to get real earrings for Christmas. Alex wants to pierce her ears.
My husband and I debate for a long time about whether or not to let Alex pierce her ears. I think because it seems so permanent- what if she desists from being transgender, and wants to be a boy again? Are we allowing our child to express herself, or are we pushing her toward a certain gender identity?
So many questions and unknowns, raising any child, but particularly in raising this child that defies the "norm" of gender conformity.
There is a sense of finality in piercing- a scar, holes in flesh, and pain.
Yesterday, Alex got her ears pierced- a true rite of passage for our girl.
Alex has been asking to pierce her ears for months. Ever since Alex started wearing girl clothes to preschool, at age four, Alex has been drawn to clip-on earrings. One morning (prior to Alex's transition from male to female), he begged to wear the old, thrift-store, painful clip-on earrings to school, telling me, "See Mama- if I wear these earrings, then they will know that I really am a girl."
I'm not quite sure who "they" was referring to- his friends? His teachers? Extended family? Society? All I know is that I eventually consented, and my shy little boy (soon to be girl) was excited that day to share his true self with his preschool peers.
I remember feeling really, really nervous- would he be made fun of by the other children in his class? What would the teachers and parents say? Oh, the anxiety.
Fast-forward a year. Alex has socially transitioned from male to female, and we have checked the "girl" gender box on all of her school paperwork. Alex is known as female now to everyone, and she is a happy little kindergarten girl. It is now getting close to Christmas, and Alex is making her Christmas wishlist for Santa. She writes on her list that she would like to get real earrings for Christmas. Alex wants to pierce her ears.
My husband and I debate for a long time about whether or not to let Alex pierce her ears. I think because it seems so permanent- what if she desists from being transgender, and wants to be a boy again? Are we allowing our child to express herself, or are we pushing her toward a certain gender identity?
So many questions and unknowns, raising any child, but particularly in raising this child that defies the "norm" of gender conformity.
There is a sense of finality in piercing- a scar, holes in flesh, and pain.
I talk to my friends about
the piercing dilemma. These friends understand my child, and love her for who she is. One friend, the mother of a
transgender boy (female to male), shares her child's social transition journey
with me. This mom eventually helped to remove her daughter's earrings, shaved
her little girl's head, and finally, made the leap to an informal name change
and using only male pronouns. This mom reassures me, and shares how when her
daughter became her son, and was given permission to match his physical
identity with his gender identity, it was extremely helpful not only for her
child, but for the entire family as well. It sent a powerful message to her
child- we see you, we accept you
for who you are, and we love you.
So now, this mom, my friend, has a four year old boy with holes in his ears. That didn't sound so bad, imagining Alex as a boy with holes in his ears, if Alex ever decides to go back to being a boy. Which to be honest, I can't really imagine- the idea of Alex desisting. I have a feeling that the earrings are here to stay, along with the female gender identity.
Alex's dad had pierced ears. He doesn't wear his earrings to his current job, but the holes are still there. Alex's grandfather, my father, also happens to have a pierced ear that no longer sports an earring. Apparently a "mistake" of his youth, Alex's grandfather told my brother and I as kids that he fought off a bear, and the bear clawed his ear and left a scar. We believed him.
And then there's my other dear friend, Vivian, who has supported me on this wild ride the entire way, continually encouraging me to love my kid, and really listen to her. Alex adores Vivian, and Vivian loves Alex. So I ask Vivian about the ear piercing- what would she do if it were her child? What did she think? Her view- the piercing could be a very important female rite of passage for Alex, one that would help Alex in her gender transformation. I liked that idea. A rite of passage- for Alex, and for us, her family. My husband and I had made it through the painful heart piercing of grieving the loss of who we thought was our little boy, and by now had accepted the addition of another little girl to our family. Now we could fully accept our daughter by allowing her to do what so many other little girls have done- pierce their ears.
In a way, we would be telling her, with finality- we see you, we accept you for who you are, and we love you.
I thought I would receive more resistance from my husband when I approached him with the idea of letting Alex pierce her ears- but then again, he has pierced his ears more than once, and even (regrettably) pierced his eyebrow in his college years, while traveling in Europe. I was surprised to find him on-board with the idea.
Which brings me back to yesterday.
Alex and I are at the mall, at Claire's (a jewelry store), waiting for Alex's turn in the ear piercing chair. Alex watches as another girl gets her ears pierced. This girl is about 12 years old, a violinist by the name of Victoria. Victoria is sullen and a little nervous, and her mother keeps snapping photos of the girl, saying, "Look at Mommy!" The mother then turns to Alex and I, and to the saleswoman, repeatedly explaining that, "Victoria just finished a violin performance. She is a violinist- see that red mark on her shoulder and chin from her violin?" And: "Her ear is swollen and red, see? That's from her violin. Make sure the [piercing] marks are even, even though that ear is swollen."
Poor Victoria.
Alex and I observe Victoria the violinist pick out April birthstone studs, diamonds, which are what Alex has been eyeing as well. This got a smile from Victoria- they both have April birthdays! And so does the twenty-something year old saleswoman! This information seems to help Victoria and Alex relax just a little, having something in common.
Alex and I have been watching for quite some time now, and it is getting close to lunchtime. Alex is starting to look nervous. I ask her, "Would you like to get something to eat first, maybe think it over some more? We could get some pizza, and talk about it?"
"No," she says, "I want to do it."
We both watch as Victoria finally gets pierced- first one ear, then the other. The girl appears to fight back tears of surprise, very quickly, and then laughs nervously, seemingly in shock that the piercing is over. "See?" I say to Alex, "That wasn't so bad!"
To which Alex replies: "Let's go, Mama. I changed my mind."
I have to admit- I am disappointed. After all of that?? Years of Alex noticing and admiring jewelry; Alex begging for earrings; Alex spending her chore money on awful, painful clip-on earrings that pinched her ears and left them bright red and sore; and really, and what feels so much bigger to me as Alex's mom, after all of the work that we have done as Alex's parents to accept her as transgender. After all of that??
And, I think to myself, Victoria the violinist held it together pretty well!
I hold my tongue though, and reassure Alex that I will keep the piercing money set aside for her, and that she can change her mind at any time. "Maybe when I'm six," she says, "or maybe in a month."
We walk to the food court and order pizza.
Alex is ready after lunch.
We walk back to the jewelry store in the mall, that bright, plastic place full of shiny accessories, tween pop music blaring from the overhead speakers. Without much fanfare, I fill out all of the paperwork. The saleswoman and I mark Alex's ears with a purple dot on each earlobe, and we argue for a few moments over the placement. Another saleswoman comes over to help, one woman on either side of Alex, each holding a piercing gun. I snap a few photos, and bang- it is done.
Alex smiles, tentatively at first, a little dazed, and surprised that it doesn't hurt as badly as she had imagined. She did it! She is a girl with pierced ears. As she catches her reflection in the mirror, she flashes me a huge grin, and I smile back at my little girl.
Now they will know that she really is a girl.
So now, this mom, my friend, has a four year old boy with holes in his ears. That didn't sound so bad, imagining Alex as a boy with holes in his ears, if Alex ever decides to go back to being a boy. Which to be honest, I can't really imagine- the idea of Alex desisting. I have a feeling that the earrings are here to stay, along with the female gender identity.
Alex's dad had pierced ears. He doesn't wear his earrings to his current job, but the holes are still there. Alex's grandfather, my father, also happens to have a pierced ear that no longer sports an earring. Apparently a "mistake" of his youth, Alex's grandfather told my brother and I as kids that he fought off a bear, and the bear clawed his ear and left a scar. We believed him.
And then there's my other dear friend, Vivian, who has supported me on this wild ride the entire way, continually encouraging me to love my kid, and really listen to her. Alex adores Vivian, and Vivian loves Alex. So I ask Vivian about the ear piercing- what would she do if it were her child? What did she think? Her view- the piercing could be a very important female rite of passage for Alex, one that would help Alex in her gender transformation. I liked that idea. A rite of passage- for Alex, and for us, her family. My husband and I had made it through the painful heart piercing of grieving the loss of who we thought was our little boy, and by now had accepted the addition of another little girl to our family. Now we could fully accept our daughter by allowing her to do what so many other little girls have done- pierce their ears.
In a way, we would be telling her, with finality- we see you, we accept you for who you are, and we love you.
I thought I would receive more resistance from my husband when I approached him with the idea of letting Alex pierce her ears- but then again, he has pierced his ears more than once, and even (regrettably) pierced his eyebrow in his college years, while traveling in Europe. I was surprised to find him on-board with the idea.
Which brings me back to yesterday.
Alex and I are at the mall, at Claire's (a jewelry store), waiting for Alex's turn in the ear piercing chair. Alex watches as another girl gets her ears pierced. This girl is about 12 years old, a violinist by the name of Victoria. Victoria is sullen and a little nervous, and her mother keeps snapping photos of the girl, saying, "Look at Mommy!" The mother then turns to Alex and I, and to the saleswoman, repeatedly explaining that, "Victoria just finished a violin performance. She is a violinist- see that red mark on her shoulder and chin from her violin?" And: "Her ear is swollen and red, see? That's from her violin. Make sure the [piercing] marks are even, even though that ear is swollen."
Poor Victoria.
Alex and I observe Victoria the violinist pick out April birthstone studs, diamonds, which are what Alex has been eyeing as well. This got a smile from Victoria- they both have April birthdays! And so does the twenty-something year old saleswoman! This information seems to help Victoria and Alex relax just a little, having something in common.
Alex and I have been watching for quite some time now, and it is getting close to lunchtime. Alex is starting to look nervous. I ask her, "Would you like to get something to eat first, maybe think it over some more? We could get some pizza, and talk about it?"
"No," she says, "I want to do it."
We both watch as Victoria finally gets pierced- first one ear, then the other. The girl appears to fight back tears of surprise, very quickly, and then laughs nervously, seemingly in shock that the piercing is over. "See?" I say to Alex, "That wasn't so bad!"
To which Alex replies: "Let's go, Mama. I changed my mind."
I have to admit- I am disappointed. After all of that?? Years of Alex noticing and admiring jewelry; Alex begging for earrings; Alex spending her chore money on awful, painful clip-on earrings that pinched her ears and left them bright red and sore; and really, and what feels so much bigger to me as Alex's mom, after all of the work that we have done as Alex's parents to accept her as transgender. After all of that??
And, I think to myself, Victoria the violinist held it together pretty well!
I hold my tongue though, and reassure Alex that I will keep the piercing money set aside for her, and that she can change her mind at any time. "Maybe when I'm six," she says, "or maybe in a month."
We walk to the food court and order pizza.
Alex is ready after lunch.
We walk back to the jewelry store in the mall, that bright, plastic place full of shiny accessories, tween pop music blaring from the overhead speakers. Without much fanfare, I fill out all of the paperwork. The saleswoman and I mark Alex's ears with a purple dot on each earlobe, and we argue for a few moments over the placement. Another saleswoman comes over to help, one woman on either side of Alex, each holding a piercing gun. I snap a few photos, and bang- it is done.
Alex smiles, tentatively at first, a little dazed, and surprised that it doesn't hurt as badly as she had imagined. She did it! She is a girl with pierced ears. As she catches her reflection in the mirror, she flashes me a huge grin, and I smile back at my little girl.
Now they will know that she really is a girl.
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