I admit- it has been harder for me to begin writing about Alex, my middle child, who happens to be transgender. Where Leah (my oldest child) is outspoken, fiery, and headstrong, Alex is quieter, softer, extremely sensitive, and much more guarded. My husband and I have often joked that we would never be worried about Leah in that proverbial dark alley- I would be much more concerned about the other person involved! Leah can be all claws, hissing, and that arched back (literally), where Alex is almost the complete opposite.

 And, I think, it is harder for me to write about Alex because I have been hurt by people that I love- by their reactions to how we are raising Alex, or rather, for letting Alex be who she is. So then, not only is Alex a sensitive soul, but I have definitely become more sensitive and guarded on her behalf. 

 (To begin- I will use male pronouns when referring to Alex, since she was assigned a male gender at birth.)

 Alex Benjamin was born in a hurry, six days before his due date. It was a fast birth, and Alex was covered with scratches and a few bruises from his hasty exit. "Look, he's a rugby player- just like his daddy!" we remarked to each other, blissfully observing our little bruiser in the delivery room. Alex was a big, happy, mellow baby, and we were thrilled to have our one girl, Leah, and our brand-new baby boy, Alex, to complete our little family.

 When Leah was four years old, and Alex was not yet 2, Leah was given a box of Disney princess dress-up clothes for her birthday from her grandmother, my mother. Leah could have cared less about the contents- for Leah, it has always been about science, animals, and especially dinosaurs at that point. Alex, however, loved this treasure box of dresses and high heels. Alex was around 20 months old, and there was nothing that he loved more than to put on a dress and heels, as well as one of his older sister's discarded necklaces or hair accessories. Fortunately, Leah didn't even seem to notice- she was too busy playing with her plastic dinosaurs and stuffed animals. 

 
Initially, my husband and I didn't mind that Alex was so infatuated with the princess box. I considered myself pretty open minded at that time, thinking that it was good for kids of both genders to explore kitchen toys, dress-up clothes, science experiments, train sets, toy cars, etc. So in the beginning, the "cross-dressing" didn't phase me- I actually found it amusing, and I took lots of pictures of my boy in a dress. "He is so cute!" we would laugh to each other. "But he is not going to thank us for these pictures someday!"

 
But, there was someone in our family who was not amused. My mother.

When my mother came to visit our home, it was pretty obvious that she was annoyed at our little boy's female gender expression. It became very clear, over time, that my mother did not like Alex wearing a dress. Or high heels. Or playing with dolls. Ever. She would set rules for Alex- "No wearing high heels on the stairs," which seemed reasonable at first, but then it turned to rules about the dresses, and it soon became clear that my mother had a problem when it came to Alex and the princess box. One day, my mother announced: "I am going to take this box of dress-up clothes back to my house for my other grandchildren [three girls] to play with, since this obviously isn't getting used by Leah. It seems like it will get more use at my house."

 But the box and its contents were getting used. The dresses and heels were being worn daily, in fact- just not by Leah.

 Alex missed the box of dress-up clothes, but we tried to soothe him, and didn't think too much of it because he was so young. Tears and tantrums at this age were normal, right? We showed Alex his cars and trains, his tent and his stuffed animals, and moved forward. And my mom was right- Leah didn't use the princess box, and maybe Alex did like it a little too much. Right?

 After the princess box disappeared, Alex began to beg to wear his sister's dresses and nightgowns. Again, Leah just wasn't interested- she preferred pants and shorts, and much preferred footed sleepers over long, pink, fluffy nightgowns. Alex adored everything that Leah was gifted (and hated to wear), and so we now somewhat grudgingly let him wear the necklaces, the dresses and nightgowns, and use the purses. 

 But only in the house. Our house, to be specific. At his grandmother's house? No way. We had learned our lesson- this was not how things were done.

 Alex continued to wear girl clothes as often as he could, and I was starting to take note, and begin to worry. What is going on? I thought to myself frequently- Are we encouraging this behavior, or is this an innocent phase? 

 I remember clearly when one of my friends first saw Alex for who she truly was, right around the time that the princess box left our home. This friend, Grace, loved my kids in spite of their eccentricities, and I always felt like we were safe at her house, or when her family came to our house- whether with Leah's tantrums or Alex's cross-dressing. I never felt judgment or condemnation of my kids or of my parenting from Grace, which I can remember feeling a lot in those days from other friends and family. Grace was, and continues to be, a true gift.

 I can't remember what the specific occasion was- perhaps Christmas, or a birthday, or maybe that we were moving away soon. When Alex would go over to my friend's house to play with her kids, he was obsessed with all of the Tinkerbell toys, movies, etc. Grace and her kids love Tinkerbell, and all things Disney. So one day, on this special occasion, Grace gave Alex his very own copy of the Tinkerbell movie. Alex was ecstatic- he was beyond thrilled. I remember, the thought crossed my mind- Well, that's great that he is so happy, but do we really need to encourage the girl fixation? Why is Grace giving Alex a 'girl' movie??

 I had so much to learn. Saved by Grace- my friend saw my child much more clearly than I did at that point.

 At that particular time, at less than two years old, Alex didn't have the language to express his gender preference. He was just Alex, a little kid with a boy body that loved all things "girl". And, personally, I had never even met anyone that was transgender- at that point in time, I never even considered the possibility for Alex. Honestly, I don't think I even knew what the word meant.

 I did let Alex watch the Tinkerbell movie, and he watched it over and over. I noticed how happy he was, and how thrilled he was to go to Grace's house and play with her daughter's dress-up clothes and dolls. 

 And I admit- I was beginning to be quite worried. If this "girl obsession" was just a phase, it seemed to be lasting a really long time.

 Maybe it was a good thing then that the princess box left our home? Or, maybe it would've been okay if the box had stayed after all? I had more questions than answers, to be sure. 

 We still had so much to learn.