Pierced Unknown Friday, November 14, 2014

I wrote this piece in December of 2013, about eight months after Alex's social transition from male to female.

Yesterday, Alex got her ears pierced- a true rite of passage for our girl.

Alex has been asking to pierce her ears for months. Ever since Alex started wearing girl clothes to preschool, at age four, Alex has been drawn to clip-on earrings. One morning (prior to Alex's transition from male to female), he begged to wear the old, thrift-store, painful clip-on earrings to school, telling me, "See Mama- if I wear these earrings, then they will know that I really am a girl."

I'm not quite sure who "they" was referring to- his friends? His teachers? Extended family? Society? All I know is that I eventually consented, and my shy little boy (soon to be girl) was excited that day to share his true self with his preschool peers. 

I remember feeling really, really nervous- would he be made fun of by the other children in his class? What would the teachers and parents say? Oh, the anxiety.

Fast-forward a year. Alex has socially transitioned from male to female, and we have checked the "girl" gender box on all of her school paperwork. Alex is known as female now to everyone, and she is a happy little kindergarten girl. It is now getting close to Christmas, and Alex is making her Christmas wishlist for Santa. She writes on her list that she would like to get real earrings for Christmas. Alex wants to pierce her ears.

My husband and I debate for a long time about whether or not to let Alex pierce her ears. I think because it seems so permanent- what if she desists from being transgender, and wants to be a boy again? Are we allowing our child to express herself, or are we pushing her toward a certain gender identity? 

So many questions and unknowns, raising any child, but particularly in raising this child that defies the "norm" of gender conformity.

There is a sense of finality in piercing- a scar, holes in flesh, and pain.

Meet Benjamin, the Boy Unknown Friday, November 14, 2014

It has been interesting to watch my eldest child's experiment with genderfluidity, and how people react to it, which is noticeably different to the reaction that my middle child received initially. One reason, I think, is because Leah is a female that has a preference for being male- somehow, it is more accepted for a girl to be a tomboy than for a little boy to like girl things.

I also think, even more importantly, that Leah/Ben is getting what I have been calling a get-out-of-jail-free card on the genderwild issues because of her autism. 

If you know Leah at all, you know that she is never merely Leah- she is generally a creature (a dinosaur, dog, dragon, bird of prey, etc.), and if she is feeling at all human, she prefers to pretend to be a baby or a preschooler. These creative phases have gone for as long as I remember- she has always pretended to be someone other than simply Leah.

When "Benjamin, the boy" showed up in our household, we naturally rolled with it, and assumed it would pass- much like "Wilson the donkey" from kindergarten (in which she entered school on all fours, every morning, braying like a donkey!) and her very long dog phase this past winter (where she constantly begged to be walked on-leash in public). This too shall pass, we thought. Right?

Anyway. My child experienced something awhile back that I want to write about, as it relates to her currently wanting to be known as "Ben". Benjamin (Leah) is very insistent on being referred to with male pronouns, and with the Aspergers, is really quite rude/bossy at times about reminding people. This is improving with continual reminders and practice. 

However, there is no really no gender "stealth" (yet) with her autism- the two concepts are quite oppositional. 

So Ben and I have been having long conversations about what it means to be genderwild or transgender or genderfluid. I admit- during these conversations, I have been silently panicking, Are we really here again with another child? Is this a phase?? 

In the Beginning- Alex and the Princess Box Unknown Friday, November 14, 2014

I admit- it has been harder for me to begin writing about Alex, my middle child, who happens to be transgender. Where Leah (my oldest child) is outspoken, fiery, and headstrong, Alex is quieter, softer, extremely sensitive, and much more guarded. My husband and I have often joked that we would never be worried about Leah in that proverbial dark alley- I would be much more concerned about the other person involved! Leah can be all claws, hissing, and that arched back (literally), where Alex is almost the complete opposite.

And, I think, it is harder for me to write about Alex because I have been hurt by people that I love- by their reactions to how we are raising Alex, or rather, for letting Alex be who she is. So then, not only is Alex a sensitive soul, but I have definitely become more sensitive and guarded on her behalf. 

(To begin- I will use male pronouns when referring to Alex, since she was assigned a male gender at birth.)

Alex Benjamin was born in a hurry, six days before his due date. It was a fast birth, and Alex was covered with scratches and a few bruises from his hasty exit. "Look, he's a rugby player- just like his daddy!" we remarked to each other, blissfully observing our little bruiser in the delivery room. Alex was a big, happy, mellow baby, and we were thrilled to have our one girl, Leah, and our brand-new baby boy, Alex, to complete our little family.

When Leah was four years old, and Alex was not yet 2, Leah was given a box of Disney princess dress-up clothes for her birthday from her grandmother, my mother. Leah could have cared less about the contents- for Leah, it has always been about science, animals, and especially dinosaurs at that point. Alex, however, loved this treasure box of dresses and high heels. Alex was around 20 months old, and there was nothing that he loved more than to put on a dress and heels, as well as one of his older sister's discarded necklaces or hair accessories. Fortunately, Leah didn't even seem to notice- she was too busy playing with her plastic dinosaurs and stuffed animals. 


Initially, my husband and I didn't mind that Alex was so infatuated with the princess box. I considered myself pretty open minded at that time, thinking that it was good for kids of both genders to explore kitchen toys, dress-up clothes, science experiments, train sets, toy cars, etc. So in the beginning, the "cross-dressing" didn't phase me- I actually found it amusing, and I took lots of pictures of my boy in a dress. "He is so cute!" we would laugh to each other. "But he is not going to thank us for these pictures someday!"


But, there was someone in our family who was not amused. My mother.

genderwild Unknown Thursday, November 13, 2014

And so it begins.

I can't believe it. 

I am officially a mommy blogger.

Never in a million years could I ever have imagined writing something that other people could read. NEVER. Perfectionism and blogging are not compatible concepts- what if people criticize my writing? What do I have to say that really matters? Most days, I can barely find a moment to shower- how will writing fit into our crazy day-to-day schedule?

To be perfectly honest, this is my third (or maybe fourth?) draft. I completely scrapped the first several attempts at a post. And, I'm silently having a tiny panic attack even thinking about clicking "publish" on the top right-hand corner of my screen. Curse you, perfectionism.

Nevertheless- I started writing our story several months ago, and writing, and writing some more, and it appears that more writing needs to be born. Maybe it's a form of therapy, or perhaps I can somehow share my experience, strength, and hope- but all I know is that it is good for me to write.

So what on earth will I write about? 

Good question. Well, here are some facts about our family, things that might show up from time to time on these pages:

1. I have three children. Some days, I have three girls. These days, I usually have one boy and two girls (see #3 for explanation). My kids' ages are 8, 6, and 4 years old.

2. My oldest child, Leah, was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at age 4. She is brilliant, highly creative, and there are days when I have absolutely no idea how to get inside of her magical mind. She continually proves to be one of my greatest life teachers.

3. My oldest child also happens to be genderfluid, which means she fluctuates between identifying as male or female. Genderfluidity + autism = well, let's just say, I've researched to see if it is even statistically possible. It is. I will refer to her in this blog as "Leah", "Benjamin", or sometimes "LeahBen". This can get very confusing. The pronouns can get very, very messy- is it he, she, s(he), or zhe?? Honestly, it depends on the day.